12 Days of Christmas: IVF Style!

So in light of the Holidays coming up and having the firm belief that to get through our most challenging paths we need a sense of humor, I bring to you:
The 12 Days of Christmas...IVF Style!

On the first day of Christmas,
IVF gave to me
hope for one healthy baby.

On the second day of Christmas,
IVF gave to me
Two transferred embryos,
And hope for a healthy baby.

On the third day of Christmas,
IVF gave to me
Three glasses of wine,
Two transferred embryos,
And hope for a healthy baby.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
IVF gave to me
Four daily injections,
Three glasses of wine,
Two transferred embryos,
And hope for a healthy baby!

On the fifth day of Christmas,
IVF gave to me
Five pregnant friends!
Four daily injections,
Three glasses of wine,
Two transferred embryos,
And hope for a healthy baby!

On the sixth day of Christmas,
IVF gave to me
Six different medications,
Five pregnant friends!
Four daily injections,
Three glasses of wine,
Two transferred embryos,
And hope for a healthy baby!

On the seventh day of Christmas,
IVF gave to me
Seven mental brake downs,
Six different medications,
Five pregnant friends!
Four daily injections,
Three glasses of wine,
Two transferred embryos,
And hope for a healthy baby! .

On the eighth day of Christmas,
IVF gave to me
Eight late days to work,
Seven mental brake downs,
Six different medications,
Five pregnant friends!
Four daily injections,
Three glasses of wine,
Two transferred embryos,
And hope for a healthy baby!

On the ninth day of Christmas,
IVF gave to me
Nine acupuncture sessions,
Eight late days to work,
Seven mental brake downs,
Six different medications,
Five pregnant friends!
Four daily injections,
Three glasses of wine,
Two transferred embryos,
And hope for a healthy baby! .

On the tenth day of Christmas,
IVF gave to me
Ten developing follicles,
Nine acupuncture sessions,
Eight late days to work,
Seven mental brake downs,
Six different medications,
Five pregnant friends!
Four daily injections,
Three glasses of wine,
Two transferred embryos,
And hope for a healthy baby! .

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
IVF gave to me
Eleven calls to the insurance company,
Ten developing follicles,
Nine acupuncture sessions,
Eight late days to work,
Seven mental brake downs,
Six different medications,
Five pregnant friends!
Four daily injections,
Three glasses of wine,
Two transferred embryos,
And hope for a healthy baby!

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
IVF gave to me
Twelve vaginal ultrasounds,
Eleven calls to the insurance company,
Ten developing follicles,
Nine acupuncture sessions,
Eight late days to work,
Seven mental brake downs,
Six different medications,
Five pregnant friends!
Four daily injections,
Three glasses of wine,
Two transferred embryos,
And hope for a healthy baby!

Dealing With Loss Around the Holidays

The Holidays are a notoriously hard time for those who are grieving the loss of a loved one. For all of us women struggling with infertility, the Holidays are a time when we grieve the lost opportunity of a new life. What is more difficult is that many of the traditions and rituals of the Holidays are often centered around children. For those who have experienced loss during pregnancy, the Holidays can be a strong reminder of the absence of that little life. My last miscarriage happened on Thanksgiving Day last year. With this Thanksgiving approaching, it is hard not to be reminded of last year’s horror. It is also hard not to think of what could have or should have been as we approach this Christmas.

There are some things that people can do to try and cope with their feelings of grief and loss this Holiday season. Although no one can really take away the pain, there are ways to help manage it.

1. Respect yourself and your feelings. Don’t beat yourself up for being sad or for grieving. Don’t tell yourself that you should be “over it,” when deep inside you know you are not. People often feel pressure to feel cheery and bright during the Holidays. But when you are coping with a loss, it is often impossible to feel cheery or bright. When you acknowledge and accept how you are really feeling, it is often easier to function without lashing out at others or losing patience with yourself. Just say to yourself, “I am really feeling sad today, and that is okay.”

2. Give yourself permission to say no. Are you dreading going to your cousin’s annual holiday party because you know that several pregnant people will be there, including your cousin’s wife? Well you know what? I am giving you permission to say no. We are only human, and many times our emotions are raw. We often need to protect ourselves to retain our sanity. This is not the time to be a hero. If people get mad at you for saying no, then too bad. Last year at this time, due to our miscarriage, my husband and I were dreading the holidays. If it were not for our little girl, we probably would not have left the house or celebrated at all because we were so sad. We participated in some things, but said no to others, so we could grieve and heal.

3. Bunk Tradition. We all have dreams and ideals of how the Holidays should be. When we have suffered a loss, there is a huge hole in that ideal, and traditions that were once joyful may seem more like a nightmare this year. It is okay to change things up a bit to make it more manageable. One year my husband and I took off the day after Christmas, missing many family holiday parties, to go to the Caribbean for a week. Christmas was very hard for us that year, and getting away was just what we needed. Consider doing something different this season, like having your Holiday dinner at a restaurant, or going over to a friend’s house. You might even want to start new traditions. This might make it a little bit easier to cope with your loss this Holiday season.

4. Have an escape plan. If there are just some events that you cannot possibly get out of, go, but make sure to have an escape plan if things get to be too much. Maybe you have another event that you have to attend after this one? (They don’t have to know “the event” is really a CSI marathon in your pajamas!) Maybe you are not feeling that great? (Truth is, you may be feeling just fine physically, but far from fine emotionally) Keep your time limited if you need to, and don’t feel guilty about it for a second.


5. Try to have a little fun. There ARE some joys in the Holiday season. Even when you are sad and feeling completely overwhelmed with grief, there are some distractions that can lift your spirits. Watching the classic movie Scrooged while drinking some eggnog or watching the snowflakes from your window while sitting in front of your fireplace can be a great way to unwind and forget about your troubles, even if for just a few hours.



In short, be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. Be understanding of your emotions. Give yourself space. Let yourself off the hook just this once. Shout “Humbug” from the rafters. The Holidays will pass soon enough, and you have permission to pass on the Holidays.

The Weight of Guilt

Throughout my entire infertility journey, it has been hard not to be consumed by guilt. There are a hundred things one could feel guilty about during this process. As an Irish American Catholic woman, guilt seems to be something I cannot avoid! In my family, I have seen several generations of some of the best guilt sufferers and guilt encouragers in action. In an attempt to let go of my guilt, I am going to list all of the things I feel guilty about.

I feel guilty that I have serious infertility issues that will most likely prevent me from having another child. I feel guilty that my daughter will have no siblings. I feel guilty that when my husband and I are old and sick, my daughter will have no one else to share the burden of caring for us. I feel guilty that throughout my infertility journey I have been sick, sad and distracted and have not been able to be the best mom to my daughter. I feel guilty that I caused my daughter stress and worry throughout this process. I feel guilty that I might have genetically passed down my infertility issues to my daughter.

I feel guilty that my infertility issues have caused so much pain and heartache for me and my husband. Although my husband assures me time and time again that it is “our journey,” I feel guilty that my body is broken. I feel guilty that I cannot give my husband more children, especially a son, who would have had a "V" (a "fifth") after his name. I feel guilty that when my husband and I got married 8 years ago we talked about having as many kids as we could, and now that hope and dream is not possible. I feel guilty that we have spent half of our marriage struggling with infertility. I feel guilty that my husband has had to worry about me through 8 surgical procedures, all fertility related, in the past six years.

I feel guilty that throughout this process I have neglected people and things that I love. I feel guilty that I have lost touch with friends and missed social gatherings and important events in their lives because I have been consumed both mentally and physically with my infertility. I feel guilty that I have missed hanging out with important elderly family members, especially my gram who recently passed away, because of my inability to go to see them during certain points of my infertility journey. I feel guilty that I have caused my parents so much stress and worry throughout this process. I feel guilty that I cannot give them more grandchildren to love and spoil.

There are many more things I could list. These are just a few that dance around in my head sometimes before I fall asleep. Now that my husband and I are at the end of our infertility journey, I started thinking about all of these things, and the concept of guilt in general. I realized that I could replace “I feel guilty that” with “I have no control over the fact that.” Feeling guilty about something, although heart wrenching and stressful, implies that I have control over it. Having control over something, even if it is something bad, is a safer feeling than admitting to having no control.

Guilt is a weight that can bring you down, paralyze you, consume you and bring you to make choices that your heart doesn’t want to make. To be a better mom, have a healthy marriage and be my best self, I need to let go of all of these weights, all of this guilt. I have no control over my infertility. I have done the best I could with the challenges I have been given. I am only human. Letting go of this guilt will give me room to embrace the future with an open heart and an open mind. I feel lighter already!

Miracles, Miners and Me

What a month it has been! I have been struggling to find the words to sum up the emotional roller coaster I have been through after completing our last chance IVF. It is surreal to me that this process, which has taken months to prepare for, is now behind us. As my husband and I went through this process, the world was caught up in its own emotional roller coaster, rooting and praying for the 33 miners in Chile who were trapped a half mile below the earth’s surface for almost ten weeks.

Millions of people from around the world followed their story for months and watched as each man resurfaced and greeted their loved ones. The whole world had prayed for these men as they endured unimaginable circumstances day in and day out. The family and friends of the miners hoped beyond hope that the miners would be rescued. They set up “Camp Esperanza” or “Camp Hope” at the site, praying for a miracle. A miracle happened.

There is a lesser known story regarding trapped miners that was also in the news recently. A group of 276 men were working in a mine in central China when the mine suffered a gas leak. 239 made it out safely. 26 were found dead. But 11 men were missing, and no one knew whether they were dead or alive. Then, after a couple of days, these 11 unfortunate men were found to be dead.

Merriam-Webster defines “miracle” in two ways; “an extraordinary event manifesting divine intervention in human affairs” or “an extremely outstanding or unusual event, thing, or accomplishment.” By the second definition, there is no doubt that the Chilean miners’ rescue was indeed a miracle. I am certain that their faith and hope carried them through those horrific days spent underground. But, I hesitate to say that it is a miracle by the first definition. If you say that the Chilean miners were saved by divine intervention, where does that leave the 37 Chinese miners that didn‘t make it out alive?

Using the word miracle in the infertility world can be viewed as insensitive to some. I often reluctant to call my daughter a miracle for that reason. But now after my last shot of having a healthy pregnancy through IVF, my husband and I have lost 32potential lives, by either miscarriages or non-viable embryos. With those statistics, our daughter, who was conceived through IUI, is surely an “extremely outstanding event.” But what about those people who never succeed at conceiving naturally? Where is their miracle? To say that God helped me, but not others, conceive, or to say that God helped me once, but then refused to help me again, seems ridiculous.

In matters of creating life or avoiding death, I have no answers. It is a mystery and always will be. My husband and I have had a difficult path. I am certainly struggling with and grieving over our recent failed attempts to add to our family. There's an emptiness that remains after the drugs and doctor's appointments stop, after the fight is over and all that is left is the sad reality. The reality is that in creating a life, there is only so much one can do. I am not sure where our journey will lead us now. Many of the tears I shed these past couple of weeks have been in gratitude for my daughter. I can’t explain why she is here any better than I can explain why the Chilean miners are alive today. But I promise to cherish my daughter and never take her life for granted.

The Music Will Set You Free

Music has always been a special part of my life. Growing up, my parents always had music playing in the house. There are pictures of me as a baby with giant headphones on rocking out to great artists like The Police, Nat King Cole and The Beatles. There are many songs, artists and albums that remind me of particular times in my life. Music has the power to motivate me, bring me comfort, make me happy or let me wallow in my sadness!

There are two play lists that I have been listening to throughout my infertility journey. One is my, “Feeling Mushy Infertility Mix,” there other one is my, “I Will Kick Infertility’s Butt Mix.” I make sure that when I am traveling to my doctor’s office or going through procedures, I have access to these two play lists. They inspire me, bring me comfort and help me cope.

"Feeling Mushy Infertility Mix"
1.Breathe (2AM) 4:40 Anna Nalick Breathe (2AM) - Single
2.Answer 3:41 Sarah McLachlan Live Acoustic EP 2003
3.Irish Blessing 3:18 Ardyth & Jennifer Learn to Fly
4.In the Sun (Gulf Coast Relief) [Featuring Chris Martin] 4:57 Michael Stipe In the Sun - EP
5.Fix You 4:55 Coldplay X & Y
6.A Long December 4:58 Counting Crows Films About Ghosts: The Best of Counting Crows
7.Times Like These 5:25 Foo Fighters Skin and Bones (Bonus Track Version)
8.Catch the Wind 2:55 Donovan Donovan's Greatest Hits (Remastered)
9.Waiting for My Real Life to Begin 5:46 Colin Hay Man @ Work
10.Hear You Me 4:31 Jimmy Eat World Story's Changed
11.Feels Like Home 4:40 Chantal Kreviazuk What If It All Means Something
12.I'll Be There for You 5:42 Bon Jovi Cross Road
13.Days Like This 3:45 Kim Taylor The Greatest Story - EP Singer/Songwriter
14.Hallelujah (feat. Charlie Sexton) 4:16 Justin Timberlake Hope for Haiti Now
15.Let It Be (feat. The Roots) 3:53 Jennifer Hudson Hope for Haiti Now
16.We Shall Overcome 2:53 Bruce Springsteen Hope for Haiti Now

“I Will Kick Infertility’s Butt Mix”
1. I Gotta Feeling 4:49 Black Eyed Peas The E.N.D. (The Energy Never Dies)
2. Don't Stop Believin' 4:09 Journey Journey: Greatest Hits
3. Three Little Birds 3:00 Bob Marley Legend(Original Recording Remastered Bonus Tracks) 4. Eye of the Tiger 4:05 Survivor Survivor: Greatest Hits
5. Closer to Fine 4:04 Indigo Girls Indigo Girls (Remastered Edition)
6. Keep Holding On (From "Eragon") 4:00 Avril Lavigne Keep Holding On Single
7. The Middle 2:46 Jimmy Eat World Jimmy Eat World Alternative
8. Float On 3:28 Modest Mouse Good News for People Who Love Bad News
9. Move Along 4:00 The All-American Rejects Move Along
10. You're All I Need to Get By 2:51 Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell The Very Best of Marvin Gaye
11. Life Is a Highway 4:26 Tom Cochrane Mad Mad World
12. Everyday 4:44 Dave Matthews Band Everyday
13. There's Hope 3:56 India.Arie Testimony: Vol. 1 Life & Relationship

These songs are great. They have carried me through some tough times. I look forward to hearing what songs bring you comfort and carry you through!

Keep Swimming!

IVF is very stressful. It is stressful on the body, mind and soul. Sometimes, it just gets to you. Sometimes you become truly overwhelmed, sad and almost paralyzed by the stress of it all. IVF takes a toll on every aspect of your life. I became truly overwhelmed by it all this past weekend. It has already taken me weeks to prep for my upcoming IVF procedure and I still have weeks to go before the procedure itself. I have had to line up my insurance company, doctors, embryologists and genetic labs. This all takes a lot of time and can be very frustrating.

This past Saturday, I lost it with complete strangers on the telephone. I had been fighting with my mail order pharmacy for WEEKS to get this one drug that I needed to start physically prepping for my IVF. If I didn't get this drug on the day that I needed it, I couldn't do my IVF this month and all of the work I have done to get everyone on the same page these past weeks would be for nothing. I called every day, two or three times a day, and talked to people who would assure me that it was coming the next day. The next day would come with no delivery and I would call them only to find out there were more glitches on their part.

Last Friday, after weeks of trying to get this medicine, I was told that I needed to stay in my house the entire next day so I could sign for my meds when they arrived. I wisely contacted the on call pharmacist the next morning because I was not going to wait all day just to have the meds not show up--again. I finally got someone on the phone and they told me it had not been shipped out as promised and it would not be coming. Over these past weeks I had try reasoning with this pharmacy, shouting, demanding to speak with managers, all that I had left was tears and hysterical sobs. Didn’t these people know how hard this process is without their added aggravation? Didn’t they appreciate what was at stake? Finally they were apologetic about the whole situation and they eventually transferred my prescription to another pharmacy, who was able to deliver my meds by the next business day.

On Saturday, after I got off the phone with this pharmacy, I did what many people do when they are dealing with intense frustration, I turned to facebook to vent. “All insurance companies and mail order pharmacies, in particular Curascript, can suck it!” was my status for the rest of the weekend. Was it the most mature thing to write? No. Did it feel good to write it? Yes. I received tons of comments supporting me in my frustrations. The best of which was from a student I used to work when she was in high school, who we will call Jody.

Jody was one of the kids I will never forget. She still is and always was the most gentle soul. She was shy, kind, thoughtful and had huge aspirations to change the world, even in the 8th grade. Jody also dealt with severe depression. She couldn’t see how beautiful, wonderful and valuable she was, no matter how many times I told her and I told her at least four times a day as her counselor. There were some days I know Jody did not want to exist anymore. There were some days I anxiously came into school praying that I would see her. But Jody made it into school every day. Jody saw many therapists, took her meds like she was supposed to and kept checking in with me. Jody continued to exist, and not only did Jody exist, but she thrived. Through participating in every community service project she could and being a loving presence to all who met her, Jody certainly changed the world. She continues to do so as a college student and is participating this weekend in Samaritans 5k event to raise money for suicide awareness. http://www.samaritansofboston.org/index.php/5k.html.

I am so proud of Jody. I don’t usually make a habit of being facebook friends with my former students, but Jody is one of the exceptions. In reading my frustrated facebook status this weekend, Jody responded, “Keep Swimming!” I had to laugh immediately recognizing this quote from the movie “Finding Nemo.” The idea of continuing on in the face of adversity is a theme throughout this Disney classic, as Nemo's father tries to find his son with the help of his lovable friend Dory.

So I am going to “Keep Swimming.” Through the stress, the emotional and hormonal ups and downs, the injections, the doctors appointments, the set backs, the medications, the exhaustion. Jody kept swimming after all and this week she inspires me to do the same.
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Mini-Vacations from Infertility

Last weekend my family and I went on a short vacation to the beach to unwind and relax. My third and final IVF is rapidly approaching, so it was very necessary for me to take the time to be in the present moment, enjoying the beauty of nature and all of the little treasures life has to offer. I was so happy to take a break from thinking about my infertility treatments, and I was actually able to remain stress free and unburdened during my whole time away. The morning we were to go back home, I sadly said goodbye to the ocean. I realized on my vacation that there were ways I could “take mini-vacations” that would provide temporary stress relief as I navigate another difficult path on my journey.

1. Drinking a glass of wine, or a margarita, or some other tasty adult beverage. When struggling with infertility, being able to have a drink is the equivalent of “No Sally, you don’t win the car, but hey, you win our take home version of the game show!” No one really wants the crappy board game, but at least it is something. Clearly, I would like to be pregnant and therefore not be able to drink, but since I am not with child, yes I will have a margarita on the rocks with salt. ( Obviously, this is not a good option if you struggle with addiction--the social worker in me had to clarify this).

2. Doing something crazy. My husband and I weren’t sure what we would do for our 4th wedding anniversary. We were really depressed because we had thought for sure that we would be pregnant by that time. We knew we had a difficult autumn approaching, filled with doctors, fertility treatments and surgery. We decided to do something that we never would have done if we were pregnant or if we had kids. We spent the day at trapeze school. It was crazy and awesome. We will never forget it.

3. Being around nature. Whether I am sitting on a bench taking in the river view, or walking on a trail alongside the duck pond, I find peace and comfort in running water. I like to be by the water and feel its healing presence, especially on my tougher days. I feel spiritually rejuvenated in these spots. Being by the water reminds me that I am a small part of a greater universe, and I find that comforting.

4. Watching a fun movie. For people struggling with infertility, it is sometimes hard to find a movie that is relaxing. For instance, “Knocked Up“, a seemingly hilarious movie about a couple who accidentally gets pregnant, could be excruciating for someone who is having trouble conceiving. This past weekend I found a great movie to watch that was hilarious and not at all thought provoking or stressful; “Date Night” with Steve Carrell and Tina Fey. It made me laugh and took me away from my troubles for a little while.

5. Doing something to benefit others. Helping other people feels good. It is a beneficial distraction from your own troubles. After my failed IVF with embryo biopsies last year, I thought I had hit bottom. Then a few months later, I had an unexpected pregnancy and then went through my fourth miscarriage in less than a year. I was feeling really low and quite lost, looking for meaning and purpose. I eventually started writing, and I noticed that my writing had themes of peace and service. Eventually, was born, devoted to teaching preschoolers to love the environment, each other and themselves. With the site, I hope to make the world a little bit brighter. It brings me comfort to have created meaning and purpose when I was experiencing overwhelming feelings of sadness and emptiness.

These are some of the "mini-vacations" I take to escape from the stress of trying to conceive and of coping with the inevitable difficulties. Everyone has their small joys in life, whether they are exercise, reading a book, listening to music, eating a fabulous meal or getting away. I look forward to hearing about what brings you joy and relief from stress.
With Love,
Light,
and Happiness,
Casey