Preemie Story Part 2: Guinness, the NICU and my Sleeping Beauty

So, last we let off, I was waiting for an operating room so I could give birth to my baby girl at only 34 weeks (6 weeks early). I had spent a long night on various medications to try to get me out of labor, only then to have many other medications pumped into my body to prep for my c-section.

My memories from this time are like snapshots,and only when I piece them together can I attempt to recreate the entire story. I remember being wheeled into the operating room by the doctor, who kept slamming me into walls by accident. He kept joking that he was a better doctor than bed-wheeler. I remember all of the staff in the operating room joking and talking about their daily lives. I noted how this was an average day at work for them, yet it was the most important day of my life. I remember my husband telling the anesthesiologist how sensitive I am to anesthesia. After I started dry-heaving during the surgery, the doctor remarked that my husband wasn’t kidding, and then adjusted my meds. I remember telling my husband to take his glasses off, because to my horror, I could see the reflection of my open abdomen.

I remember the NICU staff walking into the room right before my little girl was ready to be taken out of me, assuring me they were going to give the best of care to my little girl. After they pulled her out, I remember waiting to hear her cry for the first time. It felt like an eternity. It probably was anywhere from 30 seconds to a minute. Our daughter's amazing doctor, who happened to be in charge of the entire NICU kept saying, “Come on Princess. Come on Princess. It’s okay, she is just a little stunned. Come on Princess.” Finally she cried and it was the most beautiful sound. Then I cried out of joy and relief. Before the NICU staff whisked my little girl away to work on her and make sure she was stable, I was able to give her a brief kiss on the head.

The doctor then sewed me up and brought me to the recovery room. Unlike after my previous surgeries, I was alert. I needed to see how my baby was. The NICU doctor came in and told us our baby was stable, but there was a long road ahead. My daughter was currently on CPAP which was helping her breathe. Also, because she was born so early, she was at risk for a collapsed lung and for bowel obstructions, among other problems. The doctor said that for now, she was stable and doing okay, but that the next 48 hours were crucial. They wheeled me into the NICU to see her, and as I went to sit up to get a closer look, I am told that I turned a shade of green, then white, and then I collapsed.

I was in and out of consciousness for the next 24 hours; the drugs and the operation definitely took their toll on my body . I would wake up periodically and ask my husband how my little one was. He was running back and forth between me and our baby and kept assuring me she was doing great. The next morning I finally got up, showered as quickly as I could, and got in a wheel chair to go see my baby. Seeing my baby in the NICU, in an incubator, hooked up to monitors, on a breathing tube, was extremely overwhelming. She was 4 pounds 8 ounces and actually dropped down to three and change as all babies lose weight in their first week. The nurses called my daughter Sleeping Beauty and Pocket Princess. They said she was perfectly formed, yet she was tiny. The nurses told me that she probably wouldn’t come home much before her due date.

There were many painful things that we endured during that time. I don’t like to dwell upon these things, because when all is told, we came out of this very lucky. I remember how hard it was not being able to hold my baby for the first 48 hours, until she was stable. I remember how weird it was seeing other people take care of her feedings, change her diaper and look after her general well being. After four days, my husband and I had to leave the hospital, but my little one had to stay. That was the worst day of my life, leaving her there in the NICU. My only comfort was that the nurses and doctors there were angels on earth. I had been watching them for the last few days taking care of my daughter as their own. I knew she was in good hands.

The doctors there had told me that Guinness Beer was good for breast milk. It goes without saying that my husband and I stopped at a local supermarket to pick up a 6-pack before we went home that night, after leaving our little baby at the hospital, although I was too exhausted and worried to take more than a sip

My little one beat all of the odds. Like most babies in the NICU, there are things she had to do on her own before she could come home. She first had to breathe on her own, which thankfully she did after a few days. She then had to be able to bottle feed, as opposed to receiving food through a feeding tube. That was a little trickier. When I was discharged, I tried to make it to the hospital to see every feeding that I could. The feedings I missed, I would frantically call the NICU nurse assigned to my daughter to see if she was able to bottle feed or if it was a tube feeding. My daughter was so little, that drinking from a bottle was exhausting for her, and sometimes she just couldn’t do it. I knew that when the nurse told me that it was a tube feeding, it would immediately add at least a couple of days to my baby's stay in the NICU. I was getting a lot of use out of the breast pump I had bought on a hunch the week before I went into labor. It would be months before my little one would be strong enough to nurse.

The last test before my daughter could come home was the car seat test. My husband and I had to bring her car seat into the NICU so that the doctors could monitor her while she sat in it. If she didn’t go into distress, and her vitals remained stable, she could go home! I remember getting that joyous call that she was finally ready to come home. We rushed to the hospital and watched as they unhooked all of her monitors, which had been on her since moments after her birth. I was so very excited and overjoyed, but I was also terrified. I was pretty sure there was a good possibility that I could break her.

My incredible mother single handedly redesigned my kitchen while I was in the hospital and while I was going back and forth to the NICU. The morning we went to go pick up our baby, my parents, whom I am forever indebted to, were at our apartment scrubbing it from floor to ceiling, removing all the dust and making it safe for our little one. We had a new granite counter top and a new dishwasher that I had ordered the afternoon I went into labor eleven days before. We had our kitchen redone. My brother and father were able to pick up the crib that my grandmother ordered early to complete my daughter's nursery. We finally had a baby in our home, a dream of ours for many years. We were traumatized by all we had just gone through, but so very grateful. Now the new journey of parenthood was upon us.

A Preemie Story: Part 1- Baptism by Fire

As I left abruptly for the hospital that afternoon, I couldn’t explain how I knew, but I was certain that the next time I would be returning to my apartment I would no longer be pregnant. In fact as I locked the door, I said to my mom, “I guess we won’t be able to get the kitchen redone before our little one is born.” She thought I was crazy and assured me we were just going to the hospital as a precaution, all was well and it will get done. Technically, we were both right. I wasn't able to get my kitchen redone before my baby was born, but I was able to do it before she came home from the NICU!

I wasn’t prepared to have my baby 6 weeks early, at least on a conscious level. Many couples who struggle with infertility have preemies. Some of these couples have preemies because they are having multiples, which puts them in a higher risk category for pre-term labor. Some babies are born prematurely because of medical conditions of the baby's mother. For example, my husband was born 12 weeks early because my mother in law suffered from placenta previa. Seeing as his birth was 30 years ago, it is pretty incredible they both survived. Sometimes, there is no explanation for a woman to go into pre-term labor. I was born 6 weeks early like my daughter, but there was no genetic or medical reason why my mom went into pre-term labor. Even though we struggled to get pregnant, there had been no concerns during my pregnancy. As a matter of fact, the morning of the day I went into labor, I saw my doctor. He did an ultrasound, and besides my daughter being breech, all was well. He assured me there was time for her to turn around and have a normal delivery.

My due date was February 12th. My baby shower was scheduled for the second weekend in January and our hospital tour and birthing class was scheduled for the first weekend in January. As soon as the craziness of Christmas was over, I started panicking over everything I had to do to be ready for our baby, even though we had 7 weeks still to go. I think I knew on a subconscious level that she was coming. The week before my daughter’s unexpected arrival I started behaving feverishly. I just had to buy my nursing pajamas, bras and a robe for the hospital. I also bought a high grade breast pump, even though I hoped to nurse exclusively. My mom’s response to this was, “You don’t even know if you are going to use it!” Somehow I just felt I needed it. I also made my husband order my daughter’s dresser for her room and asked my grandma to immediately order the crib that she was so generously was going to buy for us for the shower.

After my doctor’s appointment on the day I went into labor, I went to Sears and ordered a dishwasher for our kitchen which was to be delivered the following Monday. I also picked out a paint color for our kitchen and the granite for our new counter top. A few days later we were telling our story the head doctor in the NICU while visiting our little girl. The doctor looked at my husband and said, “Your wife just HAD to have and do all of these things so early? Your wife knew this baby was coming! Next time she starts demanding you paint the kitchen to get ready for the baby, you bring her to the hospital right away!” When I first started feeling “cramps” which I would later know to be contractions, my super was in our bathroom fixing our broken toilet. Having a fixed toilet was another one of the many things I was able to cross off my list before bringing home our baby!

My “cramps” felt like they were coming a couple of times an hour. I felt compelled to call my doctor, who to my surprise told me to go straight to the hospital. I immediately called my husband at work, hysterical. He on the other hand was really calm, not realizing what I knew in my heart- this baby was coming! My mom came over and I packed my bag with all of the hospital essentials I just bought and she drove me to the hospital and stayed with me until my husband got there.

Sure enough, once I arrived at the hospital I was having regular contractions only minutes apart. The doctor thought I was dehydrated, and two bags of fluids later, the contractions were still going. And even after two shots of terbutaline, my contractions still wouldn‘t stop for long. On top of it all, my baby was kicking like crazy -- apparently she found it amusing to hear her kicks echo on the fetal monitor. This actually gave me much needed comfort because I was worried about her health and safety. An ultrasound showed my baby wasn’t in distress, but it would be better if she were not born so early. The doctor said that I needed to be admitted to the hospital to try to stop the labor, and I had a night of “magnesium sulfate” ahead of me, which I will always think fondly of as “the fire meds.” They also gave me a steroid shot to help develop my baby’s lungs.

Because I was in a shared room, my husband couldn’t stay with me that night. It was a long, long night. The magnesium sulfate made the hot flashes I got from my fertility meds seem like a breeze! It felt like my body was on fire. I would look over at the monitor every once in a while and see my contractions going strong. I mentally prepared myself as best I could that this baby was coming. I decided then her middle name would be Grace, because she would need all of the grace she could get to flourish despite her premature birth. At 5:00 am, after being at the hospital for 12 hours, the nurse came in held and my hand and said, “Honey, I’m not a doctor, but I feel in my heart that this baby has a purpose, and for whatever reason, needs to come out now.” I definitely agreed, and called my husband and told him to come back to the hospital. It turned out that the nurse was right, because an hour later the doctor checked me and I was 3 cm dilated. Because my baby was still breech, I would have to have a c-section. This baby was going to be delivered as soon as an operating room was available!

Stay tuned for a Preemie Story Part 2: Guinness, the NICU and my Sleeping Beauty

12 Days of Christmas: IVF Style!

So in light of the Holidays coming up and having the firm belief that to get through our most challenging paths we need a sense of humor, I bring to you:
The 12 Days of Christmas...IVF Style!

On the first day of Christmas,
IVF gave to me
hope for one healthy baby.

On the second day of Christmas,
IVF gave to me
Two transferred embryos,
And hope for a healthy baby.

On the third day of Christmas,
IVF gave to me
Three glasses of wine,
Two transferred embryos,
And hope for a healthy baby.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
IVF gave to me
Four daily injections,
Three glasses of wine,
Two transferred embryos,
And hope for a healthy baby!

On the fifth day of Christmas,
IVF gave to me
Five pregnant friends!
Four daily injections,
Three glasses of wine,
Two transferred embryos,
And hope for a healthy baby!

On the sixth day of Christmas,
IVF gave to me
Six different medications,
Five pregnant friends!
Four daily injections,
Three glasses of wine,
Two transferred embryos,
And hope for a healthy baby!

On the seventh day of Christmas,
IVF gave to me
Seven mental brake downs,
Six different medications,
Five pregnant friends!
Four daily injections,
Three glasses of wine,
Two transferred embryos,
And hope for a healthy baby! .

On the eighth day of Christmas,
IVF gave to me
Eight late days to work,
Seven mental brake downs,
Six different medications,
Five pregnant friends!
Four daily injections,
Three glasses of wine,
Two transferred embryos,
And hope for a healthy baby!

On the ninth day of Christmas,
IVF gave to me
Nine acupuncture sessions,
Eight late days to work,
Seven mental brake downs,
Six different medications,
Five pregnant friends!
Four daily injections,
Three glasses of wine,
Two transferred embryos,
And hope for a healthy baby! .

On the tenth day of Christmas,
IVF gave to me
Ten developing follicles,
Nine acupuncture sessions,
Eight late days to work,
Seven mental brake downs,
Six different medications,
Five pregnant friends!
Four daily injections,
Three glasses of wine,
Two transferred embryos,
And hope for a healthy baby! .

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
IVF gave to me
Eleven calls to the insurance company,
Ten developing follicles,
Nine acupuncture sessions,
Eight late days to work,
Seven mental brake downs,
Six different medications,
Five pregnant friends!
Four daily injections,
Three glasses of wine,
Two transferred embryos,
And hope for a healthy baby!

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
IVF gave to me
Twelve vaginal ultrasounds,
Eleven calls to the insurance company,
Ten developing follicles,
Nine acupuncture sessions,
Eight late days to work,
Seven mental brake downs,
Six different medications,
Five pregnant friends!
Four daily injections,
Three glasses of wine,
Two transferred embryos,
And hope for a healthy baby!

Dealing With Loss Around the Holidays

The Holidays are a notoriously hard time for those who are grieving the loss of a loved one. For all of us women struggling with infertility, the Holidays are a time when we grieve the lost opportunity of a new life. What is more difficult is that many of the traditions and rituals of the Holidays are often centered around children. For those who have experienced loss during pregnancy, the Holidays can be a strong reminder of the absence of that little life. My last miscarriage happened on Thanksgiving Day last year. With this Thanksgiving approaching, it is hard not to be reminded of last year’s horror. It is also hard not to think of what could have or should have been as we approach this Christmas.

There are some things that people can do to try and cope with their feelings of grief and loss this Holiday season. Although no one can really take away the pain, there are ways to help manage it.

1. Respect yourself and your feelings. Don’t beat yourself up for being sad or for grieving. Don’t tell yourself that you should be “over it,” when deep inside you know you are not. People often feel pressure to feel cheery and bright during the Holidays. But when you are coping with a loss, it is often impossible to feel cheery or bright. When you acknowledge and accept how you are really feeling, it is often easier to function without lashing out at others or losing patience with yourself. Just say to yourself, “I am really feeling sad today, and that is okay.”

2. Give yourself permission to say no. Are you dreading going to your cousin’s annual holiday party because you know that several pregnant people will be there, including your cousin’s wife? Well you know what? I am giving you permission to say no. We are only human, and many times our emotions are raw. We often need to protect ourselves to retain our sanity. This is not the time to be a hero. If people get mad at you for saying no, then too bad. Last year at this time, due to our miscarriage, my husband and I were dreading the holidays. If it were not for our little girl, we probably would not have left the house or celebrated at all because we were so sad. We participated in some things, but said no to others, so we could grieve and heal.

3. Bunk Tradition. We all have dreams and ideals of how the Holidays should be. When we have suffered a loss, there is a huge hole in that ideal, and traditions that were once joyful may seem more like a nightmare this year. It is okay to change things up a bit to make it more manageable. One year my husband and I took off the day after Christmas, missing many family holiday parties, to go to the Caribbean for a week. Christmas was very hard for us that year, and getting away was just what we needed. Consider doing something different this season, like having your Holiday dinner at a restaurant, or going over to a friend’s house. You might even want to start new traditions. This might make it a little bit easier to cope with your loss this Holiday season.

4. Have an escape plan. If there are just some events that you cannot possibly get out of, go, but make sure to have an escape plan if things get to be too much. Maybe you have another event that you have to attend after this one? (They don’t have to know “the event” is really a CSI marathon in your pajamas!) Maybe you are not feeling that great? (Truth is, you may be feeling just fine physically, but far from fine emotionally) Keep your time limited if you need to, and don’t feel guilty about it for a second.


5. Try to have a little fun. There ARE some joys in the Holiday season. Even when you are sad and feeling completely overwhelmed with grief, there are some distractions that can lift your spirits. Watching the classic movie Scrooged while drinking some eggnog or watching the snowflakes from your window while sitting in front of your fireplace can be a great way to unwind and forget about your troubles, even if for just a few hours.



In short, be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. Be understanding of your emotions. Give yourself space. Let yourself off the hook just this once. Shout “Humbug” from the rafters. The Holidays will pass soon enough, and you have permission to pass on the Holidays.

The Weight of Guilt

Throughout my entire infertility journey, it has been hard not to be consumed by guilt. There are a hundred things one could feel guilty about during this process. As an Irish American Catholic woman, guilt seems to be something I cannot avoid! In my family, I have seen several generations of some of the best guilt sufferers and guilt encouragers in action. In an attempt to let go of my guilt, I am going to list all of the things I feel guilty about.

I feel guilty that I have serious infertility issues that will most likely prevent me from having another child. I feel guilty that my daughter will have no siblings. I feel guilty that when my husband and I are old and sick, my daughter will have no one else to share the burden of caring for us. I feel guilty that throughout my infertility journey I have been sick, sad and distracted and have not been able to be the best mom to my daughter. I feel guilty that I caused my daughter stress and worry throughout this process. I feel guilty that I might have genetically passed down my infertility issues to my daughter.

I feel guilty that my infertility issues have caused so much pain and heartache for me and my husband. Although my husband assures me time and time again that it is “our journey,” I feel guilty that my body is broken. I feel guilty that I cannot give my husband more children, especially a son, who would have had a "V" (a "fifth") after his name. I feel guilty that when my husband and I got married 8 years ago we talked about having as many kids as we could, and now that hope and dream is not possible. I feel guilty that we have spent half of our marriage struggling with infertility. I feel guilty that my husband has had to worry about me through 8 surgical procedures, all fertility related, in the past six years.

I feel guilty that throughout this process I have neglected people and things that I love. I feel guilty that I have lost touch with friends and missed social gatherings and important events in their lives because I have been consumed both mentally and physically with my infertility. I feel guilty that I have missed hanging out with important elderly family members, especially my gram who recently passed away, because of my inability to go to see them during certain points of my infertility journey. I feel guilty that I have caused my parents so much stress and worry throughout this process. I feel guilty that I cannot give them more grandchildren to love and spoil.

There are many more things I could list. These are just a few that dance around in my head sometimes before I fall asleep. Now that my husband and I are at the end of our infertility journey, I started thinking about all of these things, and the concept of guilt in general. I realized that I could replace “I feel guilty that” with “I have no control over the fact that.” Feeling guilty about something, although heart wrenching and stressful, implies that I have control over it. Having control over something, even if it is something bad, is a safer feeling than admitting to having no control.

Guilt is a weight that can bring you down, paralyze you, consume you and bring you to make choices that your heart doesn’t want to make. To be a better mom, have a healthy marriage and be my best self, I need to let go of all of these weights, all of this guilt. I have no control over my infertility. I have done the best I could with the challenges I have been given. I am only human. Letting go of this guilt will give me room to embrace the future with an open heart and an open mind. I feel lighter already!

Miracles, Miners and Me

What a month it has been! I have been struggling to find the words to sum up the emotional roller coaster I have been through after completing our last chance IVF. It is surreal to me that this process, which has taken months to prepare for, is now behind us. As my husband and I went through this process, the world was caught up in its own emotional roller coaster, rooting and praying for the 33 miners in Chile who were trapped a half mile below the earth’s surface for almost ten weeks.

Millions of people from around the world followed their story for months and watched as each man resurfaced and greeted their loved ones. The whole world had prayed for these men as they endured unimaginable circumstances day in and day out. The family and friends of the miners hoped beyond hope that the miners would be rescued. They set up “Camp Esperanza” or “Camp Hope” at the site, praying for a miracle. A miracle happened.

There is a lesser known story regarding trapped miners that was also in the news recently. A group of 276 men were working in a mine in central China when the mine suffered a gas leak. 239 made it out safely. 26 were found dead. But 11 men were missing, and no one knew whether they were dead or alive. Then, after a couple of days, these 11 unfortunate men were found to be dead.

Merriam-Webster defines “miracle” in two ways; “an extraordinary event manifesting divine intervention in human affairs” or “an extremely outstanding or unusual event, thing, or accomplishment.” By the second definition, there is no doubt that the Chilean miners’ rescue was indeed a miracle. I am certain that their faith and hope carried them through those horrific days spent underground. But, I hesitate to say that it is a miracle by the first definition. If you say that the Chilean miners were saved by divine intervention, where does that leave the 37 Chinese miners that didn‘t make it out alive?

Using the word miracle in the infertility world can be viewed as insensitive to some. I often reluctant to call my daughter a miracle for that reason. But now after my last shot of having a healthy pregnancy through IVF, my husband and I have lost 32potential lives, by either miscarriages or non-viable embryos. With those statistics, our daughter, who was conceived through IUI, is surely an “extremely outstanding event.” But what about those people who never succeed at conceiving naturally? Where is their miracle? To say that God helped me, but not others, conceive, or to say that God helped me once, but then refused to help me again, seems ridiculous.

In matters of creating life or avoiding death, I have no answers. It is a mystery and always will be. My husband and I have had a difficult path. I am certainly struggling with and grieving over our recent failed attempts to add to our family. There's an emptiness that remains after the drugs and doctor's appointments stop, after the fight is over and all that is left is the sad reality. The reality is that in creating a life, there is only so much one can do. I am not sure where our journey will lead us now. Many of the tears I shed these past couple of weeks have been in gratitude for my daughter. I can’t explain why she is here any better than I can explain why the Chilean miners are alive today. But I promise to cherish my daughter and never take her life for granted.

The Music Will Set You Free

Music has always been a special part of my life. Growing up, my parents always had music playing in the house. There are pictures of me as a baby with giant headphones on rocking out to great artists like The Police, Nat King Cole and The Beatles. There are many songs, artists and albums that remind me of particular times in my life. Music has the power to motivate me, bring me comfort, make me happy or let me wallow in my sadness!

There are two play lists that I have been listening to throughout my infertility journey. One is my, “Feeling Mushy Infertility Mix,” there other one is my, “I Will Kick Infertility’s Butt Mix.” I make sure that when I am traveling to my doctor’s office or going through procedures, I have access to these two play lists. They inspire me, bring me comfort and help me cope.

"Feeling Mushy Infertility Mix"
1.Breathe (2AM) 4:40 Anna Nalick Breathe (2AM) - Single
2.Answer 3:41 Sarah McLachlan Live Acoustic EP 2003
3.Irish Blessing 3:18 Ardyth & Jennifer Learn to Fly
4.In the Sun (Gulf Coast Relief) [Featuring Chris Martin] 4:57 Michael Stipe In the Sun - EP
5.Fix You 4:55 Coldplay X & Y
6.A Long December 4:58 Counting Crows Films About Ghosts: The Best of Counting Crows
7.Times Like These 5:25 Foo Fighters Skin and Bones (Bonus Track Version)
8.Catch the Wind 2:55 Donovan Donovan's Greatest Hits (Remastered)
9.Waiting for My Real Life to Begin 5:46 Colin Hay Man @ Work
10.Hear You Me 4:31 Jimmy Eat World Story's Changed
11.Feels Like Home 4:40 Chantal Kreviazuk What If It All Means Something
12.I'll Be There for You 5:42 Bon Jovi Cross Road
13.Days Like This 3:45 Kim Taylor The Greatest Story - EP Singer/Songwriter
14.Hallelujah (feat. Charlie Sexton) 4:16 Justin Timberlake Hope for Haiti Now
15.Let It Be (feat. The Roots) 3:53 Jennifer Hudson Hope for Haiti Now
16.We Shall Overcome 2:53 Bruce Springsteen Hope for Haiti Now

“I Will Kick Infertility’s Butt Mix”
1. I Gotta Feeling 4:49 Black Eyed Peas The E.N.D. (The Energy Never Dies)
2. Don't Stop Believin' 4:09 Journey Journey: Greatest Hits
3. Three Little Birds 3:00 Bob Marley Legend(Original Recording Remastered Bonus Tracks) 4. Eye of the Tiger 4:05 Survivor Survivor: Greatest Hits
5. Closer to Fine 4:04 Indigo Girls Indigo Girls (Remastered Edition)
6. Keep Holding On (From "Eragon") 4:00 Avril Lavigne Keep Holding On Single
7. The Middle 2:46 Jimmy Eat World Jimmy Eat World Alternative
8. Float On 3:28 Modest Mouse Good News for People Who Love Bad News
9. Move Along 4:00 The All-American Rejects Move Along
10. You're All I Need to Get By 2:51 Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell The Very Best of Marvin Gaye
11. Life Is a Highway 4:26 Tom Cochrane Mad Mad World
12. Everyday 4:44 Dave Matthews Band Everyday
13. There's Hope 3:56 India.Arie Testimony: Vol. 1 Life & Relationship

These songs are great. They have carried me through some tough times. I look forward to hearing what songs bring you comfort and carry you through!