The Value of Having Fun

"You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like there's nobody listening,
And live like it's heaven on earth."
— William W. Purkey
This is one of my most favorite quotes. I love it so much because it encourages everyone to live life to the fullest and with your whole heart. Practically speaking, it seems almost impossible to live in this way every moment. Life is complicated and stressful, and sometimes our journey requires us to protect our heart and just “get through” the day, instead of celebrating every second of it.

After having surgery for endometriosis in July, I had been feeling stressed and overwhelmed with life. During my recovery, I was taking life one minute at a time and trying to make it through the day. I hadn’t been out of the house much since my surgery. I really wasn’t even talking much to friends and family. The little energy I had to spare was devoted to taking care of my daughter. Slowly, I started to feel better.

My mom, a devoted Bruce Springsteen fan, called me to tell me there was a Bruce Springsteen and the E Street cover band, Tramps Like Us, playing at a local bar. She told me to get out of the house and come along. I hesitated. Was I really feeling up for it? Was I ready to be out in public?

I was worried because when you are in pain or have low energy, pretending as if you are feeling good takes an incredible amount of energy. My mom persisted, and soon enough I had two of my oldest and dearest friends on board to go out too. My aunt, who recently battled a serious form of uterine cancer, was also coming out. I had no excuse. I brushed my hair, put contacts in, put makeup on, and even put on a tube top. I don’t think I have worn a tube top since 1999. I don’t think I have worn makeup since March.

My dear friend came and picked me up and we were on our way. I started feeling anxious as I walked into the bar. I hadn’t been out in a long, long time. We entered the crowded outdoor patio where the band was playing and I spotted my parents and my aunt who were seated around a picnic table. Within seconds I was presented a beer by my aunt and could hear my mom shouting over the band, “If you close your eyes, it’s like you are at an actual Bruce concert!”

I couldn’t have predicted the fun we had that night. Due to the volume of the music, I was able to “sing like nobody’s listening” to my favorite Bruce songs. After a few beers, the pain from my surgery faded and I was able to “dance like there’s nobody watching” (although I did pay for my excessive dancing the next morning as my inactive muscles protested the festivities). By having fun, we had all escaped our difficult weeks for just a little while.

I forgot how important having fun was. When I am stressed to the max at a difficult point in my journey, having fun can seem trite and meaningless. When I was a little girl and even straight on through college, it seemed life was centered around having fun and hanging out with friends. Now if I see my friends once a month it is a big deal. Life gets hard and complicated. Going out and having fun sometimes seems like it would take a lot of energy to accomplish. Why go out when I can collapse on my couch in my sweat pants?

I came home from that night of fun feeling so good. I felt energized emotionally and spiritually. It felt good to dance and sing and laugh. I was so grateful and proud to be there with my aunt who has gone through hell to fight her cancer. She looked happy and healthy after being so sick for so long. The truth is that all of us out that night have been through our own personal hells, but having fun made life a little brighter. I made a promise to myself to make having fun a new priority in my life. I was incredibly grateful for that night out. I always took having fun for granted but now I know that it's a special thing that I have to make time for.

Tramps Like Us played Bruce Springsteen’s song “Tunnel of Love” that night. My mom had that album on tape and would play it constantly in her 1980 red Toyota Corolla when it first got released in 1987. I was just 8 years old when it was being blasted in our car. Although I knew all the words, they had little meaning to me then. As I sat out on the patio that night, listening to the cover band sing the lyrics, “You've got to learn to live with what you can't rise above,” the song suddenly had meaning to me. There are certain things we cannot overcome. Life brings us some sadness that will be with us forever. There will always be stress and overwhelming parts of our journey. But as William W. Purkey states, we still need to manage to have moments where we “live like it's heaven on earth,” because even through the hardships, it is only one life we get to live.

What Life’s Hardest Roads Have Taught Me

In the journey of life, it is our most difficult paths that teach us the most. Here are ten lessons that I have learned.

1. I am much more vulnerable than I ever imagined.

2. I can feel alone in the most familiar of crowds and yet, feel comforted with kind words of a stranger who has walked in my shoes.

3. I can start laughing in the middle of crying and cry in the midst of laughter--and both are okay.

4. Time does heal a wound, but the scar, though it may fade, will be there forever and may twinge on gloomy days.

5. Suffering can make me bend until I break. Love, faith and hope can eventually mend the pieces back together, if I allow them to.

6. Fun, laughter, singing, dancing, a good book or movie can be a non-addictive painkiller or sedative to help me cope.

7. There is always someone who has it worse. There is always at least one thing to be grateful for.

8. My true friends will love me when I’m sad, traumatized, despondent and in crisis mode. They will be there for me when and however I need them, when I am ready. And I will be there for them.

9. I can only do my best.

10. I am so much stronger than I ever imagined.

Wordless Wednesday

My Return To The Land Of The Living

So it has been way too long since I have last written. Dealing with my endometriosis (including having surgery) has made these past few months very difficult, and at times excruciating. I have spent most of these recent days just trying to keep on my own two feet, and when I had the energy, take care of my little girl.

Endometriosis is a disease where the tissue that lines a woman’s uterus escapes the uterine cavity and attaches outside the uterus. Every month during menstruation this tissue grows throughout the abdominal cavity, attaching to whatever it encounters along the way. The tissue sheds, just like during the “normal” menstruation of a woman without this condition, except the tissue in the abdominal cavity has nowhere to go causing significant problems. Unfortunately, the tissue that attaches outside the uterus causes scar tissue throughout the abdomen. The tissue can also form adhesions, which sometimes causes a woman’s organs to stick to one another and to the pelvic wall.

Five years ago, after many reproductive diagnostic tests, my reproductive endocrinologist diagnosed me with endometriosis. My doctor had suspected endometriosis because I have always had painful periods, which were getting worse over time and I had terrible stomach issues resembling irritable bowel syndrome, which became worse during menstruation. My doctor found adhesions and scar tissue growing on my lower intestines, on the surface of my uterus and on one of my ovaries. My endometriosis wasn’t severe, but even a mild case can cause pain and infertility. After my first surgery I had some amount of relief from the monthly pain and other symptoms. Unfortunately though, surgery for endometriosis only causes temporary relief, because every month the tissue continues to grow outside the uterus, and there is no cure yet for this disease.

Soon after my first surgery, I got pregnant with my daughter. Since my daughter’s birth three years ago, I have had many more fertility procedures and miscarriages (not to mention surgery to remove my gallbladder). Month after month, especially during my miscarriages, I could feel my endometriosis getting worse. This spring, the pain I was having during ovulation and during my periods was intolerable. My endometriosis started inhibiting my daily life. I would have to schedule social events, and even tasks like food shopping, around my period. My husband would have to stay home from work or go in late when my period came because the pain and bleeding were so intense that I felt like I could pass out.

In May, the pain at ovulation was so bad that I thought I was having an ectopic pregnancy. I rushed to my reproductive endocrinologist’s office quite concerned, and after sonograms and tests, he did a physical exam where he could actually feel adhesions behind my uterus. He gave me some medicine to try to stop my period and give me relief. After getting a horrible period and sensing no relief in sight, I decided to go to one of the few experts in endometriosis, Dr. Tamar Seckin. I had heard his name from reading about the “Top Chef” host Padma Lakshmi’s journey with this disease and how this doctor had helped her. Dr. Seckin was one of the few doctors that has dedicated his whole career to understanding and treating endometriosis.

After my first meeting with Dr. Seckin, I knew he would be the one that could help me. He told me that I would have to have another surgery. After a month of tests that included an MRI, ultrasounds and a colonoscopy, I was ready to have my surgery. I was really anxious. During my first surgery, I had felt like I had nothing to lose. I had been desperate to have a baby, and if this operation would help me, I was all for it. Now, blessed with my three year old daughter and being confronted with my second surgery, I couldn’t help but imagine the worst possibilities. What if something happened to me during surgery? How would I recover with my little one at home? How would my daughter be affected by my not being able to take care of her? My husband reminded me that this surgery was for her too. Having a mommy that is not in pain for half the month would ultimately be good for her.

My doctor wanted to do the surgery during my period in order to be able to see the extent of the endometriosis more clearly. The night before surgery I was in intense pain, not able to rely on my usual three Motrin every three hours. My abdomen was so swollen I actually looked like I was three months pregnant. The morning of the surgery I cheerfully kissed my daughter goodbye, told her I loved her and then ran to the car and cried my eyes out. I was so sad to leave her. I got to the hospital and parted with my husband so that I could change into my hospital gown and go through intake. My husband was all too familiar with this scene. During our nine years of marriage, this would be my fifth operation, which doesn’t even include the three IVFs I have had. Every time he sees me in a hospital gown and puffy hair net, he gives me a reassuring smile and looks at me like I am the most beautiful girl in the world.

I met with the doctors involved in the surgery and they reassured me I would be okay. I remember walking into the operating room, lying on the table, bleeding tremendously from my period and feeling overwhelmed thinking about my daughter, the risks of the surgery and the road to recovery. Tears started rolling down my cheeks. Luckily the anesthesiologist came in and took my mind off these overwhelming thoughts with his friendly small talk, until I was in a peaceful slumber. The next thing I knew, I was being encouraged to start waking up from surgery by a gentle nurse. The road to recovery had officially begun.

When I asked my doctor where in my abdomen the endometriosis was prevalent, he replied, “Everywhere.” Adhesions had grown all over both ovaries such that my ovaries had been stuck to my pelvic wall. The scar tissue was all along my rectal area, behind my uterus, on my bladder, on my ureter, adhering it to my pelvic wall, and in other places as well. Dr. Seckin took 16 biopsies altogether. I was very lucky that none of my reproductive organs or my kidneys had to be removed, which is what happens to many women with endometriosis. I was also grateful to Dr. Seckin for performing such a successful surgery.


It has been almost 6 weeks since my surgery and I am still not feeling 100%. The first two weeks after surgery, I needed help taking care of my daughter. Although I was up and walking around and could do a lot of things for her, I didn’t have the energy or the stamina to be there for her for our usual 14 hour day together. By the third week I had her to myself and did okay. Then my period came, and it was excruciating because the inside of my body was still raw and in the process of healing. That was really hard because just when I thought I was better, I felt worse than ever. But that too passed and my energy is back again. After a few months my body will be healed and I should feel better than I have in years.

I am hoping this surgery will provide me with relief from my monthly pain, for at least a few years. I will most likely have to have this surgery again in the future when the symptoms from the endometriosis become unbearable again. I have always been a very strong-willed, independent person. Not being able to do things for myself or for my daughter, having to rely on others and feeling weak and in pain has been emotionally hard for me to take.

I have woken up these past few days doing my happy dance. I am so incredibly grateful not to be in excruciating pain. I am happy to be writing again and feel empowered to talk about endometriosis in this blog. Endometriosis is a disease that affects millions of women, yet no one talks a lot about it, many doctors don’t even know about it, and there is not a lot being done to find a cure. When I first asked my gynecologist about my painful periods, her response was that it was normal and nothing to worry about. I am here to tell you it is not normal, you are not crazy, and there is help and support out there for you.

Honor Thy Mother and Those Trying To Become Mothers

I’m a grateful Mother, with that fact make no mistake.
Not a single breathe from my child’s lungs for granted I do take.
I’m a grateful Mother. My child is a gift.
Her presence here in my life is a everlasting lift.
I prayed to be a Mom each and every day.
I prayed a special soul would be on its’ way.
As months and years passed by without a child for me to love,
Sadness and Anger bruised my heart and I cursed the heavens above.
Holidays and celebrations were colored a dark and gloomy shade.
Even when the sun did shine--there was rain on my parade.
Then a guiding light led my child’s soul to me.
Words cannot express my joyfulness and glee.
I couldn’t believe I was a mom after wanting it for so long.
The Sadness and Anger in my heart finally moved along.
When there was no hope to be found in the darkest storms,
I had my own ray of sunshine wrapped safe within my arms.
My heart did heal instantly. I knew she was mine to keep.
Never had I felt a love so powerful and deep.
I honor and cherish my child with a love so grand.
I am so overwhelmed with gratitude each time I hold my child’s hand.
It’s a gift and privilege to be Mother, a child’s earthly light.
Never take for granted this gift, to honor those trying to be with all their might.

The Infertile Egg Hunt “Part One of Four”

Maybe it’s all the talk about Easter eggs or all the trees blooming and coming to life that has me contemplating my own eggs and my quest to bring another life into the world. Lately I have been mulling over some of the options that my fertility doctor recommended if my husband and I want to move forward with our wish to have another child. When more than 92% of your eggs will lead to miscarriage, the options available are limited and require a great leap of faith. Over the next few weeks I will be researching and writing in greater detail about the three options available to me and my husband at this stage in our journey.

The first option that is available to me and my husband is finding an egg donor. This option would entail the egg donor taking stimulation medications, going through an egg retrieval surgery and then allowing her eggs to be used in an in vitro fertilization where the resulting embryo would be implanted into my uterus for normal gestation. My initial reaction to this option is slight horror. “My husband’s sperm is going to be mixing with another woman’s egg?” I know there are also lot of benefits to this route. But I will be speaking to Dr. Michael Blotner MD, Medical Director of Westchester Fertility, www.westchesterfertility.com, to learn more about this process.

The second option is embryo donation. Some couples who go through IVF end up having more embryos than they need or want. Certain people decide to destroy these embryos, others decide to donate them to scientific research, and still others, who feel that they can neither destroy nor give away their embryos, decide to put their embryos up for adoption. Couples like myself and my husband, who have a hard time creating viable embryos, can adopt these donated embryos and transfer them into the female's uterus. To learn more about this option, I will be talking to one of the leading organizations whose mission is to connect couples in need with couples who have leftover frozen embryos.

The last option open to us is adoption. There are many women in the fertility community, as well as the larger community, who have answered the call of adoption and have created their family in that way. I will be talking to Dawn Davenport, who created the nonprofit Creating a Family, www.creatingafamily.org , an organization providing education and support for infertility and adoption. She also wrote the book “The Complete Guide To International Adoption.”

In my heart I don’t think I am ready yet to start actively pursuing any of these options. I still am grieving our losses and our lost dream. But I am looking forward to researching egg donation, embryo donation and adoption in the next couple of weeks because I think that finding out more information is one of the first steps to seeing if any of the options are calling us to expand our family.

Come on Oprah and OWN Give Us A Voice!

Dear Oprah and The Oprah Winfrey Network,

On behalf of people struggling with infertility, I would like to suggest a concept for a brand new show on The Oprah Winfrey Network: following those on the journey of conception. You have brought countless stories to light, telling the tales of those who have overcome hardship, and it is my sincere hope that you will consider exploring the subject of infertility, so that the world will better understand the silent struggle that some people face when trying to achieve something that comes so naturally to others-- bringing a life into the world.

One in 8 couples will experience infertility. 1.1 million women will undergo fertility treatments this year. Yet, no one likes to talk about infertility. The inability to conceive a child at all, or without the help of medical treatment, is a taboo subject. In the past five years I have undergone one laparoscopic surgery, three in utero inseminations, three in vitro fertilizations and two rounds of embryo biopsies. I have suffered four miscarriages. I have lost twenty eight embryos. And yet, I still have close friends and family who have no idea what my husband and I have gone through, never mind co-workers or acquaintances. It is unreal to me that I can experience something so traumatic, consuming and debilitating without many people ever knowing about it.

From the many connections I have made through Twitter and through blogging, I know I am not alone in my feelings of helplessness and isolation. I have come across thousands of women who have heart wrenching stories that deserve to be told. Their stories comfort me, inspire me and break my heart time and time again. These are strong women who have been on unbelievable journeys.

Anyone who has struggled with infertility would deeply appreciate a show dedicated to their struggles, and all of the friends and family members of those people would certainly benefit from being educated on the topic of infertility. There are so many people who have no idea what it is like to be a part of this journey, to want more than anything to conceive a child but not be physically able to, to wonder why something so natural as reproducing can be so difficult, to grieve for the lost embryos or miscarried babies.

Many of us struggling with infertility watch shows like “Teen Mom” with a heavy heart. It is painful to hear about moms who weren’t planning their pregnancy, who feel inconvenienced by the expected child or who had huge reservations about having a baby. Those of us struggling with infertility sacrifice our physical, emotional, spiritual and financial stability to try to create life. This entails undergoing many procedures, taking many hormones and other medications, and visiting the doctor several times a week. Many couples dealing with infertility lose faith in what they believe in and at times feel utterly hopeless.

As a woman struggling with infertility, I want my voice, and the voices of all the other women struggling with reproduction, to be heard. We are tired of hiding in the dark. We hope that you and your producers read this blog entry and the stories of others at the links in the comments below. We have also set up a facebook group, http://www.facebook.com/groups/owninfertility . Some of these stories are funny, some are shocking, some are incredibly sad, but they all will touch your heart. These stories need to be heard!

So please Oprah, hear us! Be the first network to dedicate a show to the incredible journeys of the strong women who fight infertility for the chance at motherhood.

With Love,
Light and Happiness,
Casey